Someone's playing too much Fallout

Chris: [claps hand on my arm] Welcome back!
Me: From where?
C: Uh, let's see. It was from one genre to another.
M: Genre?
C: Yeah, first you were deadly beauty and now you're...I can't remember the word.
M: I'm a deadly beauty?
C: Well, of course!
M: [laughs] Ok.
C: I just have to finish this scenario.
M: What scenario?
C: In Anchorage.
M: Ohhh, is this Fallout?
C: Yeah.
M: Are you trying to kill me?
C: No.
M: I'm on your team?
C: Yeah.
M: Am I helpful?
C: Yeah.
M: Well, that's good.

Not unique

Chris: Who has the power to decide who's playing?
Me: You do.
C: How?
M: Just push the button.
C: Which one?
M: The red one.
C: But there are many buttons.
M: Just push the red one.
C: There must be millions of people playing. How do I have the power to choose?
M: You're the only one playing now.
C: There's 13 million people playing. Statistically I'm not unique.
M: Sure you are.
C: If I were to pick my nose right now and do a survey, I would not be unique.
M: What if you picked your nose and screamed "I like to eat eagles!"
C: Are you accusing me of being asleep?
M: [laughs] Yes.
C: I'm totally conscious on this one. (Where have I heard that before?)
M: [laughs]

NFL logos

Chris: [disapprovingly] Hmm...I don't know about that.
Me: About what?
C: They're changing the hood ornament...I mean logo of the NFL.
M: To what?
C: Well, anything other than what it is now would be foolish.
M: So why are they changing it?
C: Eh, it's what the youngins tend to do.
M: Are you changing it?
C: Noo!
M: Who is?
C: Some newbie.
M: Oh, well, you better stop him.
C: Ok.

Belly Spots

Chris: [pats belly like a drum]
Me: Whatcha doin?
C: Half a spot on my belly.
M: A spot?
C: No, half a spot.
M: Why only half?
C: The other half...connected...my back.
M: So, it goes through you?
C: No.
M: How'd it get there?
C: I dunno.
M: Do you have a guess?
C: No.
M: Is it dangerous?
C: Oh yes. Very.
M: What does it do?
C: It erases...the untanglers.
M: Untanglers?
C: Yeah, the news and the shows.
M: Your spot does that?
C: What spot?
M: The one you told me about a minute ago. Oh, sorry. Half a spot.
C: Huh?
M: Are you confused?
C: No?
M: You sound confused.
C: Yes?

Inhale-o-heezy

Chris: Not quite yet.
Me: Huh?
C: I have to wait to pop my inhale-o-heezy.
M: [laughs] Inhale-o-heezy?
C: Yup.
M: What's that?
C: Let me show you!
M: [waits]...well?
C: Hm?
M: Is it your inhaler?
C: Yeah.

By the way, happy birthday to my wonderful, sleep-challenged husband!! I love you! :}

Inappropriate comments from imaginary people

Chris: He's almost there. [points at TV]
Me: Almost where?
C: Out of breath.
M: From what?
C: I don't know. We just wait for him when he's out of breath and then we all keep going.
M: Are you in a race?
C: No.
M: What is he doing?
C: I'll ask him.
M: Ok. Go ahead.
C: [waits a few seconds] Ok, I asked him. He said "blub blub blub blub." Exactly like that.
M: [laughs] Can you translate?
C: Yeah. He said he really likes your boobs. [puckers lips for kiss]
M: [kisses him and laughs] That's inappropriate for him to say. I can't post this!
C: Eh. [dances]
M: [laughs] Are you dancing again?
C: Mmm-hmm.
M: To what?
C: I don't know.
M: You're so weird.

Accents

Chris: [chuckles]
Me: What?
C: [in British accent] I don't know.
M: Are you British?
C: [still in accent] I don't know.
M: You're talking in a British accent.
C: [still in accent] I could be British or I could be Indian.
M: Indian? You don't have that accent.
C: [in bad Indian accent] I could be Indian. Everyone loves them in phase 5.
M: Phase 5 of what?
C: [back to the British accent] Take over. [starts dancing]
M: [laughs] Are you dancing?
C: [still in British accent] I don't know.

Advice and Mickey balloons

Chris: That's some pretty good advice there.
Me: What advice?
C: On delivering the sandwich.
M: What kind of sandwich is it?
C: I don't know. I'm just making it up as I go along. [makes Price is Right losing sound]
M: [laughs] Oh, ok.
C: Mouse ears.
M: Huh?
C: On that balloon over there.
M: Where?
C: The kid in my head has a Mickey balloon.
M: Oh, so I can't see it?
C: No.
M: Why can only you see it?
C: I'm fun.
M: I'm boring?
C: No.
M: Oh, ok.

No parking

Chris: [mumble mubmle] document!
Me: What document?
C: Me!
M: You're a document?
C: Yes.
M: You're not a person?
C: Well, that's what you have to decide. Am I a person or a document?
M: A person.
C: I'm not a printing document? Of the [mumble mumble]?
M: Do you have an on/off switch?
C: No.
M: So what happens when I push this? [taps his forehead]
C: You don't wanna know!
M: I did it already! What will happen?
C: Nevada will park on New Jersey tomorrow.
M: [laughs]

Doctor

Chris: Doctor, I'm kind of concerned you left all the greens on your plate.
Me: Greens?
C: Yeah, all the broccolis.
M: Who are you calling doctor?
C: [with attitude] Who you callin' doctor?

Little rats

Chris: [looks very confused] What is that? [points at end of bed] (Sound familiar?)
Me: My hoodie.
C: Oh, ok.
M: What did you think it was?
C: A little rat.
M: A rat? Why would there be a rat in the bed?
C: I was waiting for you to tell me.
M: Where would it have come from?
C: I don't know.

Pianning

Chris: The man with the piano...watch out...[mumble]...nuking.
Me: What about the man?
C: He has a piano.
M: What is he doing with it?
C: ...Pianning.
M: [laughs] Pianning?
C: Yeah. That's what you do with a piano.
M: Ok. And what did you say about nuking?
C: Nuking.
M: Yeah, who's nuking?
C: I don't know.

I think someone's been playing too much Fallout 3 lately.

Super Powers

Chris: Hm. I didn't notice that before. [raises arm and lets it fall back down]
Me: Notice what?
C: [raises arm and lets it fall back down]
M: What are you pointing at?
C: Well, before...like, say 3 weeks ago, this arm would have had no trouble holding itself up. Now...[flops arm down again]
M: Now it falls?
C: Yeah.
M: Why?
C: Well, someone took the power, so it can't hold itself up.
M: I'm sure you could hold it up if you tried!
C: But that's the point! It used to stay on its own. But someone stole the super power.
M: Your super power is holding your arm upright? [laughing]
C: [smiles] Pretty impressive, huh?
M: [laughs]
C: And it's all because of the anupi-nupi plant!
M: [laughs harder] The what??
C: The anupi-nupi plant.
M: Oh, is that the plant we were talking about earlier? The one that can be used as a paper clip? (We had been joking around about this made-up plant earlier, long story)
C: No, I've already forgotten the name of that one.

Yarn death

Well, as I've done a few times before, I went and had another midnight freak-out. Chris's sleep-talking is usually subdued and he rarely gets upset about anything he's talking about at the time. I'm not so lucky. Me? I have the occasional "OMG THE WORLD IS ENDING" (even if it is just a spider) nightmare. Neither of us wrote down this conversation, but we both remember the gist of it.

I woke up in a complete panic. All I knew was that Chris had some horrible disease where yarn grew out of his mouth and suffocated him. It was my job to snip the end of the yarn as it came out his mouth, at least every half hour or so, and if I failed to do so, he'd die. I looked over at him, realized that I'd fallen asleep and let him go all night without me snipping the yarn, and was convinced he was dead. I apparently shook him while hyperventilating and panicking (though neither of us remembers what I was saying while hyperventilating), trying to make him come back to life, which of course woke him up. He calmly told me it was just a nightmare and that it was ok. It took me a few minutes to realize that everything was ok and it was just a dream. I suppose it's probably a good thing I didn't have scissors nearby...anyway, I hope I don't have any dreams like this again, though. It was pretty awful.

Crawling fish

Chris: It's constantly crawling.
Me: What is?
C: Waters. Waters.
M: Water?
C: Wilbur.
M: The fish? (We have a fish named Wilbur.)
C: Yeah.
M: How's he crawling?
C: He's going from start to finish.
M: Is he in a race?
C: No.
M: What's the start?
C: I don't know.
M: How is he crawling?
C: I don't know. Why don't you ask him?
M: What would he say?
C: Merp!

Absorbable toast?

It's funny how talking about Chris not talking in his sleep seems to actually prompt him to talk again. We were at our friends' house this weekend and they mentioned that it seems that Chris has been quiet lately, based on not seeing anything new on the blog. Lo and behold, that night, he spoke again:

Chris: The previous method of delivery was the toaster.
Me: What's being delivered?
C: The toaster distributes it.
M: Right, but what is it distributing?
C: It gets absorbed into your skin. It's like... [thinks] not really like a medicine... [thinks some more]...
M: Like food?
C: No.
M: Do you drink it?
C: No.
M: So what is it?
C: It's absorbed into the skin.
M: What is?
C: [thinks] I don't know what it is. It's absorbed.
M: Is this a conspiracy?
C: Yeah, sure.
M: [laughs] Ok.
[a few minutes pass]
M: [not expecting an answer since, typically, Chris completely leaves his train of thought/falls into a deeper sleep once we stop talking] So, what was the old method?
C: Uh, well, it's absorbed. What do you mean?
M: Well, you said the toaster is the new method. What's the old one?
C: Um...what?
M: Where did it originally come from?
C: Originally? I guess the guy.
M: What guy? God?
C: No. [said like I suggested something silly]
M: Then who?
C: [suddenly very confused] Huh? I don't know...
M: Ok, go back to sleep. [pats Chris]

Turtles and special effects

Chris: You'll notice you never see the turtle in both scenes.
Me: What?
C: [points at TV] Well, you see, the turtle isn't in the two scenes. There's no super special effects. Effects. [gestures with hands]
M: The turtle?
C: In the scene. There are no special special effects. [turns head to the side and fake-snores, complete with whistle]
M: [laughs] You don't snore like that!
C: [smiles and keeps fake-snoring a few times]

Missiles

Chris: [points at bedroom door] What is that?? [said in very serious tone]
Me: Where?
C: There! In the corner!
M: The air vent?
C: Oh.
M: What did you think it was?
C: An array of missiles.
M: Pointed at us??
C: Yes.
M: Why?
C: I don't know.
M: Who was pointing them at us?
C: I don't know. I didn't get a good look.